census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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