my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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