I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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