I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He felt like a one man threesome
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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