I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
