Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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