I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
