he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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