Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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