Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
