i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
