i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
