plz talk dirty to me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
