made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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