also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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