I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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