i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
