my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
