Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
