Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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