Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I fill condoms, not promises.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
