Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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