The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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