You're my little dorito
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
