goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
