So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
