We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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