My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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