after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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