Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
