Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
