Kiss
Puke
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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