According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Are we still banned from the library?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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