it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
