I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
