all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was confusing and full of hummus
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
