3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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