I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
