I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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