so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
