I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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