Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
