I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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