dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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