i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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