Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
