His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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