Your face is a jimmy john
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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