Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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