when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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