she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
