Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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