I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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