Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
