Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
