When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
