girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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