i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
