I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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