why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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